And why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex, contrary to popular belief? Or, the next question would be, can we want what we already have? That's the million-dollar question, right?
The secret to desire in a long-term relationship In long-term relationships, we often expect our beloved to be both best friend and erotic partner. But as Esther Perel argues, good and committed sex draws on two conflicting needs: So how do you sustain desire?
With wit and eloquence, Perel lets us in on the mystery of erotic intelligence. Reviewed by Morton Bast So, why does good sex so often fade, even for couples who continue to love each other as much as ever?
And why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex, contrary to popular belief? Or, the next question would be, can we want what we already have? And why is the forbidden so erotic? What is it about transgression that makes desire so potent?
And why does sex make babies, and babies spell erotic disaster in couples?
And when you love, how does it feel? And when you desire, how is it different? These are some of the questions that are at the center of my exploration on the nature of erotic desire and its concomitant dilemmas in modern love.
A crisis of desire, as in owning the wanting -- desire as an expression of our individuality, of our free choice, of our preferences, of our identity -- desire that has become a central concept as part of modern love and individualistic societies.
This is the first time that we want sex over time about pleasure and connection that is rooted in desire. So what sustains desire, and why is it so difficult?
And at the heart of sustaining desire in a committed relationship, I think, is the reconciliation of two fundamental human needs.
On the one hand, our need for security, for predictability, for safety, for dependability, for reliability, for permanence.
All these anchoring, grounding experiences of our lives that we call home. But we also have an equally strong need -- men and women -- for adventure, for novelty, for mystery, for risk, for danger, for the unknown, for the unexpected, surprise -- you get the gist.
For journey, for travel. So reconciling our need for security and our need for adventure into one relationship, or what we today like to call a passionate marriage, used to be a contradiction in terms.
Marriage was an economic institution in which you were given a partnership for life in terms of children and social status and succession and companionship.
But now we want our partner to still give us all these things, but in addition I want you to be my best friend and my trusted confidant and my passionate lover to boot, and we live twice as long. Laughter So we come to one person, and we basically are asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide.
Give me belonging, give me identity, give me continuity, but give me transcendence and mystery and awe all in one. Give me comfort, give me edge.
Give me novelty, give me familiarity. Give me predictability, give me surprise. Laughter Applause So now we get to the existential reality of the story, right? So why does good sex so often fade?
What is the relationship between love and desire? How do they relate, and how do they conflict?
Because therein lies the mystery of eroticism. We want to minimize the distance. We want to contract that gap. We want to neutralize the tensions. Forgone conclusion does not keep our interest.
In desire, we want an Other, somebody on the other side that we can go visit, that we can go spend some time with, that we can go see what goes on in their red-light district. In desire, we want a bridge to cross.
Or in other words, I sometimes say, fire needs air.
But then I took a question with me.Jul 11, · Esther Perel gives a compelling Ted talk on desire in long term relationships. Esther Perel gives a compelling Ted talk on desire in long term relationships.
Having security and desire in a marriage is a VERY complex dance. One that I am now trying to learn. Jan 26, · Esther Perel has become a go-to speaker on sexuality and relationships in the world of couples therapy as well as in the luxury self-actualization set.
Her TED talk, the “Secret to. May 26, · A TED Talk by Sex Therapist Esther Perel. In February Esther excited hundreds of thousands of people with her TED talk “ The secret to desire in a long-term relationship“.
Recently she followed up with another excellent TED talk “Rethinking Infidelity A Talk For Anyone Who Has Ever Loved” which has already been. In long-term relationships, we often expect our beloved to be both best friend and erotic partner.
But as Esther Perel argues, good and committed sex draws on two conflicting needs: our need for security and our need for surprise. So how do you sustain desire? With wit and eloquence, Perel lets us in on the mystery of erotic intelligence.
Minding Matters Detroit Road # (West lawn Square) Westlake, OH PHONE: EMAIL: [email protected] Esther Perel is a Belgian psychotherapist notable for exploring the tension between the need for security and the need for freedom in human relationships.
Perel promoted the concept of Erotic Intelligence in a best selling book which was published in and since has been translated into 24 languages. A talk entitled The secret to desire in a long-term relationship which she gave at TED in.